Journal Entry No. 32412

I went home to Cebu last weekend. The hard drive in my laptop needed to be replaced. It was still under warranty so I brought it to the store where I got it. It was also the perfect opportunity to see my lola. She had been sick the past month. Last I saw her, she had no strength to eat. She just lay in her bed all day. It almost broke my heart to see her so frail. When I saw her again she was visibly better. Her eyes were bright and they crinkled as she smiled, standing in the kitchen when I walked into the house. 'Ay Andrew, you're here! I feel well because my grandson is home. I'm so happy.' I must get my cheesiness from her. We went to see her doctors the next day. Her endocrinologist was worried that she was still losing weight. The next doctor had better news. The lung infection was still down. A few more months of antibiotics and she should be in the clear. It was almost 2pm when we finished and had lunch. She had vegetable soup and rice. I couldn't help but notice how she picked at her food. She barely finished half a portion. I told her to try and finish her rice. I ate the rest of the vegetables. We dropped by the mall to have my laptop looked at. I left her in the car with my brother to watch her. Then we dropped by my office to have my measurements taken for the company uniform. By the time we got home we were beat. My lola went straight to her room to have a nap. I plopped down on the sofa and promptly dozed off. I woke up to a text from my boss. She was flaming mad about something wrong in one of my accounts. It was no biggie really, but she just loves blowing things out of proportion. I came crashing down from my high. I felt doubt and self-recrimination take hold of me. I couldn't think straight. I wanted to get out of the house. I needed to get out of my head. I told my parents I was going to meet some friends. Even though it was only 9pm I headed straight to Mango. My heart was pounding as I walked toward Doce, which was at the far end of the square. I didn't make it the first time. I turned to the right before I got to the entrance and made as if I just intended to go to the restroom, which happened to be nearby. When I got out I walked all the way back to the other side and bought a cigarette. I took a few deep puffs to steel myself as I eyed the gay bar. It was ridiculous really. This was hardly my first time here. And it wasn't like anyone cared. Finally I stopped being a pussy and walked up to the entrance. I paid for the entrance, got my stamp, and walked in. My high school friends didn't pop out of the other clubs to witness my public declaration of gayness. There was no jeering or hushed whispering or pointing of fingers. No one paid any attention. I breathed a sigh of relief (I didn't even notice I was holding my breath) and seated myself in the corner.