Journal Entry No. 32412

I went home to Cebu last weekend. The hard drive in my laptop needed to be replaced. It was still under warranty so I brought it to the store where I got it. It was also the perfect opportunity to see my lola. She had been sick the past month. Last I saw her, she had no strength to eat. She just lay in her bed all day. It almost broke my heart to see her so frail. When I saw her again she was visibly better. Her eyes were bright and they crinkled as she smiled, standing in the kitchen when I walked into the house. 'Ay Andrew, you're here! I feel well because my grandson is home. I'm so happy.' I must get my cheesiness from her. We went to see her doctors the next day. Her endocrinologist was worried that she was still losing weight. The next doctor had better news. The lung infection was still down. A few more months of antibiotics and she should be in the clear. It was almost 2pm when we finished and had lunch. She had vegetable soup and rice. I couldn't help but notice how she picked at her food. She barely finished half a portion. I told her to try and finish her rice. I ate the rest of the vegetables. We dropped by the mall to have my laptop looked at. I left her in the car with my brother to watch her. Then we dropped by my office to have my measurements taken for the company uniform. By the time we got home we were beat. My lola went straight to her room to have a nap. I plopped down on the sofa and promptly dozed off. I woke up to a text from my boss. She was flaming mad about something wrong in one of my accounts. It was no biggie really, but she just loves blowing things out of proportion. I came crashing down from my high. I felt doubt and self-recrimination take hold of me. I couldn't think straight. I wanted to get out of the house. I needed to get out of my head. I told my parents I was going to meet some friends. Even though it was only 9pm I headed straight to Mango. My heart was pounding as I walked toward Doce, which was at the far end of the square. I didn't make it the first time. I turned to the right before I got to the entrance and made as if I just intended to go to the restroom, which happened to be nearby. When I got out I walked all the way back to the other side and bought a cigarette. I took a few deep puffs to steel myself as I eyed the gay bar. It was ridiculous really. This was hardly my first time here. And it wasn't like anyone cared. Finally I stopped being a pussy and walked up to the entrance. I paid for the entrance, got my stamp, and walked in. My high school friends didn't pop out of the other clubs to witness my public declaration of gayness. There was no jeering or hushed whispering or pointing of fingers. No one paid any attention. I breathed a sigh of relief (I didn't even notice I was holding my breath) and seated myself in the corner.

Journal Entry No. 12012

The odd hours find me awake at the wheel making my patient way home. The insistent vaguity inside me is still there. It does not go away with the rising of the sun. It does not go to sleep like I do. It is there when I turn the eye inside away from the Sin it has just committed.

The sin likes still beside me on the bed, smoking. Is it hot, the fire in hell, I wonder. It is hot in my hands when I cup his stubbly chin. It is prickly also.

Journal Entry No. 63011

A street hawker sat next to me on the ride back this morning. His hands were dirt stained and his nails untrimmed as he held his wares carelessly splayed on his lap: a wooden maria on the verge of tears and Christ crucified endlessly. His faded shirt and torn jeans were dusty on his dusty body. He was unwashed and unkempt but his soul electric had a rough edge that cut straight through all reason to my apartment.

Journal Entry No. 60411

Vanilla ice cream and Yakult.

Alarm wakes me at exactly 7. I turn on the tv and tuck myself snugly back under the covers. It feels good to pretend that it's six months ago; sleeping in, breakfast in bed, and modern family on the tube.

At 10 my manager calls but I don,t pick up. I hop in the bath and take a quick shower. And then I text her back saying I,ll be in the office in 5.

Our office assistant tells me I am red all over my face, and on my neck. She solicitously puts the back of her palm to my forehead and declares that I have a fever. It,s nothing, I say, just my morning rashes, but she,s not convinced. It might be dengue fever she stubbornly suggests, but i firmly disagree. It is only flu. And my morning rashes. To be sure she says to eat vanilla ice cream and drink Yakult.

Later in the afternoon, I am chatting with a buyer. Can you believe it, I say, this girl is telling me to eat vanilla ice cream and I,ll get better.

Why, she interjects, everyone knows that!

Crazy people.

I do as they say anyhow.