On feeling lost and confused

It is today when I wake up. My computer tells me that it is Wednesday, July 28, 2010, 7:01 AM. I feel sad that is not yet Thursday. I feel even more disappointed with myself, with how sick and confused I must be to wake up and think that it is Thursday.

I roll over and pretend to go back to sleep. A few minutes later I hear heavy footsteps on the stairs and I roll over again and open my eyes slightly (still pretending to sleep) to find out who else is up so early.

It is Mark and he goes straight to the kitchen to make breakfast.

I ask him what day it is today and he tells me that it is Thursday; my first thought is that my computer must have run out of battery and lost sync with time and after that, I feel relief, maybe even a small measure of joy.

This is what I feel today. Close your eyes and think of a golden field and a gray sky. There are no thunderclouds, there are no flashes of lightning. There are no stalks of wheat waving in the breeze. There is

just an expanse of gold below and
grayness above, both
stretching ad infinitum, into everywhere.
and stillness.

And maybe the camera pans over this scene as it rises, or maybe it is you soaring into the air but this scene moves away from you, faster and faster and faster.

This is what I feel today. I went on the Internet and found a lot of people. On their blogs they were kind, and they were beautiful, and they were good. And they wrote stuff for me to read like I was their friend, like I could know them, and I believed this.

It made me want so bad to be their friend so what I did was, I followed their blogs. And now that I follow their lives I will listen to the same kind of music they do, read the same books, go to the same bars, maybe even learn to think the same thoughts.

This is what I feel today. I am not really satisfied that it is Friday tomorrow. I wish it were tomorrow already and I would drink many beers and I would lie on a hard bed and I would forget that I am sick. I would forget that I am.