Today marks the second week of my liberation into unemployment. Half of the time I am happy. The other half is spent feeling guilty for being unproductive. This is purely self-inflicted since my parents have so far made no comment, or even so much as implied by their actions, anything about my being home again. I didn't think it would be so hard to shut down the capitalist slave app in my brain. Maybe I am trying too hard to be alternative and it's not the lifestyle for me. More likely I am not trying hard enough. You know things are shit when you can't tell the difference.
But really I feel like I have accomplished nothing of significance. You could say I am in a state of somnolence although that wouldn't be very accurate as my mind is on overdrive. Lethargic passion if you can reconcile the two would be a good way to put it. Here is a track to illustrate what I am trying to get at:
At least I haven't been completely adventureless and I am glad because if there's anything worse than being unproductive, it is being counterproductive. Duh.
Mission No. 1: Install Ubuntu. They make it sound like a breeze to switch and maybe they are telling the truth, but things are never easy for me and this was no different. It took me a whole day to get the spare PC in our condo running on Ubuntu, in the process carelessly locking everyone out of my sister's computer.
Drew - 1, Machines - 1
Mission No. 2: Say goodbye to my boys. Neil, Santiago and his interim girl Victoria, and I drove to Makati for some "authentic" Japanese food. Tucked away in a nondescript corner of Makati, on the corner of Pasong Tamo and Amorsolo streets (across Makati Cinema Square, which ironically has no cinemas) is a place called Little Tokyo. The entrance is a small fake bridge and a tori facing the street. Through the traditional Japanese gate is a driveway which leads to a courtyard hidden from street view. We chose the busiest (and cheapest, I think) restaurant and it wasn't bad at all. The waitresses all chorused a Japanese greeting as we entered and led us to a private room with sliding panels and a low table. Some unsolicited advice: don't order the rice toppings you can find in Japanese fast food menus, it tastes the same. Try the ramen instead but only if you're prepared to finish a ginormous bowl of it! Afterwards we checked out MCS cos I'd never been and I wanted to see the DVDs. The selection is good but I thought the hawkers, almost half of whom were trannies, too aggressive and almost scary.
Drew - 0, Trannies - 1
Mission No. 3: Return to Cebu. This should have been straightforward really but I did not count on both my eyes still being bright red on the day of my flight. I wasn't thinking at all really and when I checked in the woman at the counter asked me to drop by their clinic and get clearance from the doctor, a middle-aged woman who probably was kindly but was unfortunately a stickler for rules and therefore immune to my pathetic groveling. I felt like dying right then and there. But I have a very important job interview tomorrow, I said as hopelessly as I could. Tell them you need to defer it for medical reasons, that's all. Some people have no heart at all. But I am not so easily deterred. I went back to the flat to rally my spirits and come up with a plan of attack.
A few hours later, armed with dark sunglasses and a different outfit, I tried to check in again. My heart was beating so fast as I walked up to a different counter and a different girl. I handed her my ticket as nonchalantly as I could. She looked at it and said to the man beside her, I have a no show on the morning flight, shall I check him in? But the man waved her on and she went on typing away. I still could not breathe. She handed me the boarding pass and smiled. Mister, can you please remove your sunglasses for a while, I need to check your eyes. HOLY SHIT. So it was back to the clinic and I almost felt like giving up. It would be humiliating to face the same doctor again. I could almost imagine her clucking as she ticks DENIED BOARDING on the clearance form and saying, so you think you can sneak through just like that? But the door opens and I walk in and it's a man sitting at the doctor's desk. I mutter a quick prayer of thanks to whoever decreed that doctors should pull several shifts at different clinics.
I hand the man my forms and explain that he needs to clear me for boarding because my doctor has informed me that my conjunctivitis is past the contagious stage. I see, I see, he tells me as he scans my forms and then, you aren't Stephen's son are you? And I could almost jump for joy at that moment for the man sitting in front of me is Dr. Dolittle, who used to be assigned in Cebu and play golf with my dad. He shines a light in my eyes and after I inform him that it is the eleventh day my eyes have been red and that I have been applying meds for five days he decrees that the infection is subsiding and I should be good to fly home. Sometimes it surprises me the things that doctors don't worry about. Anyway we chat for a bit while the nurse applies a cold compress to my eyes, ostensibly to lessen the redness but I maybe just so he could be said to have done something.
Drew - 1, Airlines - 0
Mission No. 4: Job interview. So the first interview here was with the area sales manager and it went well. Maybe it was a bit too easy leaving me completely unprepared for the next round which was with the national sales director. To illustrate:
NSD: What was the last book you read?
Me: Well the last book I finished was Less Than Zero by Bret Easton Ellis...
NSD: Was it a good?
Me: Yes, in fact they made it into a movie back in the 80's. (Yes because books are good if they make them into movies, like Twilight and The Notebook)
...
NSD: Who is Drew when he is mad?
Me: Growing up, the most sacred rule we had at home was no hitting and until now, when I get mad, I just shut up and internalize the anger. (What the fuck?)
Just to stay positive, I feel like I am so getting hired. We'll see.
Drew - ?, Job - ?
Monday
Journal Entry No. 11711
in which more of the same shit that passes for my life is detailed, as well as some news.
Cebu was fucking uneventful for me, sure it's a happening town but mostly I stayed at home and whiled away my vacation being dismissive of our latest mongrel. He is an ugly dog really, looks like a jackal that hasn't eaten for weeks, minus the bushy tail. I think there might be a soft spot for the ugly that runs in the family.
Probably the most exciting thing that happened was me crashing my high school friends' Christmas party. Called up someone who was going and asked to tag along, of course he couldn't say no. It was pretty awkward until someone busted out the alcohol and then the party really got going. There was this one drinking game I don't know what it's called but you ask someone a question and they must ask someone else a question. Player drinks if he answers the question, or hesitates in asking someone else a question. Well we made up a bunch of extra rules as we went along, stupid rules really just to get more people drunk, like you have to drink if you ask a "lame" question.
Anyway after a couple of rounds a question comes up which almost makes me choke on the pizza I'm eating. This one guy turns to the guy beside him and says, "They say you're not a real man until you've fooled around with another guy." This catches the guy being asked off-guard and everyone's laughing and saying he should drink when someone points out that it's not really a question. So then it's the guy who asked that drinks instead and then I say that he should answer his own question as well. Which doesn't make a lot of sense since we'd declared it a non-question but we make the guy down another shot to steel his confidence and prod him to answer. So sheepishly grinning he says, "I would have liked to but I've never had the chance..." and then he laughs and everyone else laughs as well and I'm the only one who doesn't get the joke. FUCKING STRAIGHT GUYS. I spend the next few nights fucking him while I jack off. I hope he feels like a real man now.
So I've been in Manila for two weeks and the past four weekends have found me in O bar getting drunk as hell it's not funny anymore. The guys that stand out:
1. Lacoste shirt, so-called because when I first saw him two months ago he was wearing a white Lacoste shirt that showed off his fitness. He was wearing an oversize black TOKYO shirt and a trucker cap and his hair was longer but he was still fine as hell. As I was leaving I met him coming back from the restroom and he said Going home so early? which was totally random as the first thing you say to a stranger but maybe not so random considering this moment from two months ago: after spending the better half of an hour sitting next to each other not talking, I get up to move somewhere else when he grabs my hand and pulls me back onto the seat.
2. Ceasar who I see at the club all the time. It's probably around 4 so I'm tired from all the dancing and just trying to drink my beer in peace. He sits himself on a chair next to mine and introduces himself. We shake hands and then he kisses me. Some guys are just too fucking forward. Also other guys are just too fucking easy.
3. Kurt and Stan. Stan reminds me of a guy I had classes with back in college. Short and slim but with wide shoulders and they even dress the same - small emo shirt, tight jeans, trucker cap. This guy is no emo, he has a boyish angelic beautiful face and it's just too bad cos I hit on Kurt first, who's also hot, just in a different way. I find out that Kurt lives not far from me so when he offered to share a cab I knew where we were going. Dropped by Banchetto to grab some breakfast (I got tapas, some bacon, and an omelet) which is becoming a habit. When we got home we were so full we couldn't sleep yet so we watched some TV. I was lying on the couch with my head on his lap and that was how I fell asleep, with his dick poking my head. We woke up late in the afternoon and finished up. He stood at the doorway watching me as I left. When I was halfway down the hallway to the elevator he called out Hey guy, what's your name again?
I couldn't believe it. I looked back at him and he had something like a smirk on his face, or whatever, but he was just too cute so I said Drew. Goodbye. And he said, Goodbye, Drew. Take care.
One more Friday and one more Saturday like this and I'm done, or at least I hope so. I'm going to go back to Cebu and I'm gonna be a good boy. Had a job interview this morning and I felt it went well, a feeling which doesn't really count since I'm pretty worthless at feelings; most of the time I get them all wrong. At least I'll know if I get into the second round of interviews within the week. If I don't, I'll find out next week. After that, it won't matter anyway.
Take care.
Cebu was fucking uneventful for me, sure it's a happening town but mostly I stayed at home and whiled away my vacation being dismissive of our latest mongrel. He is an ugly dog really, looks like a jackal that hasn't eaten for weeks, minus the bushy tail. I think there might be a soft spot for the ugly that runs in the family.
Probably the most exciting thing that happened was me crashing my high school friends' Christmas party. Called up someone who was going and asked to tag along, of course he couldn't say no. It was pretty awkward until someone busted out the alcohol and then the party really got going. There was this one drinking game I don't know what it's called but you ask someone a question and they must ask someone else a question. Player drinks if he answers the question, or hesitates in asking someone else a question. Well we made up a bunch of extra rules as we went along, stupid rules really just to get more people drunk, like you have to drink if you ask a "lame" question.
Anyway after a couple of rounds a question comes up which almost makes me choke on the pizza I'm eating. This one guy turns to the guy beside him and says, "They say you're not a real man until you've fooled around with another guy." This catches the guy being asked off-guard and everyone's laughing and saying he should drink when someone points out that it's not really a question. So then it's the guy who asked that drinks instead and then I say that he should answer his own question as well. Which doesn't make a lot of sense since we'd declared it a non-question but we make the guy down another shot to steel his confidence and prod him to answer. So sheepishly grinning he says, "I would have liked to but I've never had the chance..." and then he laughs and everyone else laughs as well and I'm the only one who doesn't get the joke. FUCKING STRAIGHT GUYS. I spend the next few nights fucking him while I jack off. I hope he feels like a real man now.
So I've been in Manila for two weeks and the past four weekends have found me in O bar getting drunk as hell it's not funny anymore. The guys that stand out:
1. Lacoste shirt, so-called because when I first saw him two months ago he was wearing a white Lacoste shirt that showed off his fitness. He was wearing an oversize black TOKYO shirt and a trucker cap and his hair was longer but he was still fine as hell. As I was leaving I met him coming back from the restroom and he said Going home so early? which was totally random as the first thing you say to a stranger but maybe not so random considering this moment from two months ago: after spending the better half of an hour sitting next to each other not talking, I get up to move somewhere else when he grabs my hand and pulls me back onto the seat.
2. Ceasar who I see at the club all the time. It's probably around 4 so I'm tired from all the dancing and just trying to drink my beer in peace. He sits himself on a chair next to mine and introduces himself. We shake hands and then he kisses me. Some guys are just too fucking forward. Also other guys are just too fucking easy.
3. Kurt and Stan. Stan reminds me of a guy I had classes with back in college. Short and slim but with wide shoulders and they even dress the same - small emo shirt, tight jeans, trucker cap. This guy is no emo, he has a boyish angelic beautiful face and it's just too bad cos I hit on Kurt first, who's also hot, just in a different way. I find out that Kurt lives not far from me so when he offered to share a cab I knew where we were going. Dropped by Banchetto to grab some breakfast (I got tapas, some bacon, and an omelet) which is becoming a habit. When we got home we were so full we couldn't sleep yet so we watched some TV. I was lying on the couch with my head on his lap and that was how I fell asleep, with his dick poking my head. We woke up late in the afternoon and finished up. He stood at the doorway watching me as I left. When I was halfway down the hallway to the elevator he called out Hey guy, what's your name again?
I couldn't believe it. I looked back at him and he had something like a smirk on his face, or whatever, but he was just too cute so I said Drew. Goodbye. And he said, Goodbye, Drew. Take care.
One more Friday and one more Saturday like this and I'm done, or at least I hope so. I'm going to go back to Cebu and I'm gonna be a good boy. Had a job interview this morning and I felt it went well, a feeling which doesn't really count since I'm pretty worthless at feelings; most of the time I get them all wrong. At least I'll know if I get into the second round of interviews within the week. If I don't, I'll find out next week. After that, it won't matter anyway.
Take care.
Thursday
12/16/10
Yesterday I was feeling better and I thought it was over but I couldn't have been more wrong. Around 11pm I was overtaken by a fit of coughing that felt like my lungs were trying to free themselves of my chest. It sounded pretty much like that night a few years ago when I thought I could sneak my dad's car out of the garage; I turned on the ignition and what else happened but the motor wheezed and spluttered in the noisiest way a motor could.
There's no one to blame but myself. Actually there is. Prince Henry (the other guy in my apartment) started it all with his getting the flu. Now three of us are down. Of course it didn't help matters that I continued to sleep shirtless at night despite how cold it got. Also the fact that last weekend I went some 36 hours without any rest. Now that's a story.
My boss thought it was about time I did something productive like actually selling stuff instead of just productively sitting at my keyboard and banging away at the keyboard sporadically to give the effect of being busy. So since the 3rd of December I've been out of the office and manning our booths at random bazaars in the city. I was ecstatic at the opportunity to finally be free of the office walls I'd been starting to find claustrophobic until I found out I'd be working 10 to 14-hour shifts with no overtime compensation. Didn't you get the memo? My co-worker could only shake her head at my naivety. The insult to my injury - or, since this was probably not intentional, the salt in my wounds was that for three weeks I would have only two days off and no, they couldn't be used consecutively. Boss said I could have them at another time but who is he kidding, next week will be Christmas vacation already.
So anyway, back to last week. Faced with the prospect of work on Saturday and Sunday, I decided to go out on Friday night. I left work at 12 midnight, had a bite to eat and a quick shower at home, and arrived at the usual at 2am. For the most part I managed to contain myself and sit quietly to the side, in fact I think I pulled off the creeper act fantastically: sat by myself beer in one hand, cigarette in the other, on my face a glower or maybe a leer as I scan faces in the crowd at leisure like a hunter surveys a herd of deer. To be honest I was just tired and maybe a bit sleepy. After an hour or so of this sitting down I started to feel fidgety. I think I must have ADHD or something similar. I mean I was still tired and sleepy but, holy shit man it was like the dj was a snake charmer and I his snake and he was making me dance like magic because there were no drugs involved. You know that's how snake charmers do it.
There I was making a fool of myself again and it was an honest-to-goodness riot what with stage stomping, hip grinding, hand waving, and head banging. With such a flagrant mating display it was not long before a birdie came chirping by and when the sun came up he took me to his nest where we did a whole lot of brooding.
I slipped out of his house at 10am and flagged down a jeep only to find that I was down to my last 10 pesos. I mentally revised my projected tardiness to one hour and walked the rest of the way home. On my arrival I was surprised to find that it was still 10am and what do you know, turns out the time on my phone was 1 hour fast. Popped some pills - a colorful variety of Vitamins C, E, iron, etc; nothing prescription or illegal - with breakfast and then it was off to work. I got there only an hour late and ahead of my partner. By early evening we'd hit our quota.
Not too bad, I reckon. Not until now, at least.
12/2/10
It occurs to me that I'm afraid of this: I might have grown bored of the random hotel rooms, random meaningless banter, random boys with which I've built my Babel. I tell myself that this straining to reach heaven must be blasphemous except I have no choice but to build higher and higher because there is no way down.
When it's really quiet my thoughts often turn maudlin.
A soft light shines from the half-open bathroom door. From somewhere in the room a tinny radio sings ridiculous songs, I'd turn it off if I fucking knew how but. I'd tried to call the front desk to ask how to turn the thing off but dialing zero got me nothing but a dial tone. Actually the front desk had called earlier, just when the kissing turned torrid so when I answered the phone and the woman on the other line asked if we were settled in okay I told her that yes, we were doing just fine until she called and then I put down the phone. Also a few hours after that the phone rang again but that time I just took the phone off the hook. For a while I could hear the woman's voice coming from the handset but not for long.
There's something about the way TVs saturate a dark room with their colored light that always gets to me. The Incredibles was showing and I watched the first half of it because I'd never seen it before. Tell-chan snored beside me, his left arm draped around my body. Fuck there never was a face more beautiful asleep than his.
I'm lying there, trying not to move too much, watching his chest rise and fall softly and I'm afraid that what I really want is this: to hold his hand in silence.
*Photo is from the photobook 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' by Jeff Sheng. Click on the picture to view his website and some of the other photos in the collection.
When it's really quiet my thoughts often turn maudlin.
A soft light shines from the half-open bathroom door. From somewhere in the room a tinny radio sings ridiculous songs, I'd turn it off if I fucking knew how but. I'd tried to call the front desk to ask how to turn the thing off but dialing zero got me nothing but a dial tone. Actually the front desk had called earlier, just when the kissing turned torrid so when I answered the phone and the woman on the other line asked if we were settled in okay I told her that yes, we were doing just fine until she called and then I put down the phone. Also a few hours after that the phone rang again but that time I just took the phone off the hook. For a while I could hear the woman's voice coming from the handset but not for long.
There's something about the way TVs saturate a dark room with their colored light that always gets to me. The Incredibles was showing and I watched the first half of it because I'd never seen it before. Tell-chan snored beside me, his left arm draped around my body. Fuck there never was a face more beautiful asleep than his.
I'm lying there, trying not to move too much, watching his chest rise and fall softly and I'm afraid that what I really want is this: to hold his hand in silence.
*Photo is from the photobook 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' by Jeff Sheng. Click on the picture to view his website and some of the other photos in the collection.
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